For Her
by Subtlynice
Summary: Edward has made a choice and now after three days of painful preparation, he must see it through. He must say goodbye to the only woman he will ever love and give up his happiness for her safety. New Moon chapt 3 Edward POV angst


For Her

I didn't have a choice the first time I died. It was either an eternity of this half-life, or a slow, painful death as the Spanish Influenza burned through my body.

In the end, the choice wasn't made by me.

The second time I died, I had a choice. It was me or her. I chose me. I destroyed my own life for Bella's humanity.

_For her._

"Come for a walk with me." I had demanded, keeping my voice in the flat, unemotional tone I had practiced over the last three days.

She didn't answer, but she accepted my hand and I relished for the last time, the feel of her warm, soft skin beneath my own dead hands. She walked slowly, stumbling slightly as I pulled her along. I wished I could be gentler with her, but I wanted her to hurry. I wanted to get this over with. A clean break. One simple stab to my heart.

After a few seconds, I gave up. I wanted her in sight of Charlie's house anyway, I told myself. Of course, that was not the real reason for stopping. No, the real reason was that I could not physically bring myself to walk another step, knowing all the while that when our conversation ended, I would be walking back alone.

My plan was simple: stick to the truth. Keep it honest. Do not let her see how hard this is for you. This was the mantra I repeated in my head as I stopped and leant back against the bark of a tree on the outskirts of the forest. Thinking about what I was about to do from this angle kept me from thinking about the pain. I had a role to play. I couldn't let my love for her stand in the way. She deserved so much better.

"Okay, let's talk." She said in a hard, expectant tone, with a hint of her adorable kittenish fury in her voice. I tried not to think about the fact that it was aimed at me this time. I opened my mouth to speak, but found myself breathing in her luscious scent instead, scorching my lungs one last time.

"Bella, we're leaving." I said. With her scent on my lips, those three words were all I could manage at the moment. I inwardly cursed myself for just blurting it out like that.

"Why now? Another year-"

"Bella, it's time," I said quickly, cutting her off before I could let her protests influence my decision. But she didn't seem to be protesting… had she already accepted that we would end this way? Or did she really not care for me as much as I did for her?

It didn't matter. Regardless of her feelings, I knew I still loved her. And really, wasn't it better this way? Wouldn't she be able to move on easier if she really didn't love me at all?

I tried to tell myself that. It still hurt though.

"How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all?" I continued, making sure my face stayed blank and my words inflectionless. "Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

_Regardless of the fact that I love you. Regardless of the fact that I'm only leaving Forks to free you from this half-life. To protect you._

Something changed in her eyes as I spoke. Her kittenish fury and determination shrank. What replaced them were two emotions I never wanted to see on my Bella's face: anguish and fear.

"When you say _we_…" she whispered, the anguish seeping into her small voice. It took all my strength not to reach out for her in that very moment.

"I mean my family and myself." I said slowly.

She shook her head back and forth in denial. I realised she'd misunderstood- she thought I was suggesting she came with me. For once though, I didn't waste any part of my mind pondering her strange thought processes. I simply stared at her face, wishing what she had thought I'd meant was true, letting my eyes drink in every last inch of her skin…

"Okay," she whispered timidly. "I'll come with you."

_Please. Please come with me._

"You can't, Bella," I shook my head, keeping my eyes on her face, memorising it. "Where we're going… It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me."

_I wish._

"I'm no good for you, Bella." I told her truthfully.

"Don't be ridiculous," she protested, as I had known she would. "You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you." I told her. Stick to the truth. Keep it honest. Do not let her see how hard this is for you.

"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She pleaded, her beautiful face screwing up in unbearable misery. I had to remind myself not to touch her, comfort her. To speak calmly as I answered.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

"_No_!" She cried. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"

Oh, if only she knew. If only she knew how close I came to agreeing. To accepting her offer and taking her soul away from her forever. I never could deny her when she pleaded with me.

But she was not pleading for herself. She never was. She was pleading for something only I wanted. And I would not give in to my own selfish desires.

_For her._ I reminded myself.

Yes. It was for her that I stood in that forest, my face set into a black, deadened mask. For her that I had sent my family far away from Forks. For her that I would lie. For her that I would commit the worst kind of blasphemy possible.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

It was for her that I told her I didn't love her.

"You… don't… want me?"

"No."

A clean break. One, simple stab wound. That's what I'd told myself. How did my plans come to this? How did that one wound become a stabbing frenzy, a torture I couldn't escape from?

"Well, that changes things." She said quietly.

I couldn't look her in the eyes anymore. I couldn't bear to hear her voice so calm, so composed after I'd told her something so absurdly untrue.

I couldn't bear to hear her speak so rationally after I'd told her I didn't love her. Did that make me a monster, for wanting her to suffer from my denial of my love? Yes. Yes, it did. Another reason why she deserved so much more.

Calm down. I told myself. Do not let her see how hard this is for you.

"Of course, I'll always love you," I began, reverting back to my originally planned words in a moment of true stupidity. "…in a way." I added hastily, hoping she wouldn't notice my slip. Also hoping she would notice. Hoping she would notice and realise I was lying and beg me to stay. "But what happened the other night made me realise it's time for a change. Because I'm…" _so in love with you that I'm willing to let you g_o. "_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

And I was. So, so sorry. If only I had left before, that first night in her room when I had realised that I loved her. When I had realised that I would have to leave her. If only I had left her before she loved me back.

"Don't." Bella said in a harsh whisper. "Don't do this."

But it was too late. I already had.

"You're not good for me, Bella." I lied, the words curdling my stomach. If only she knew just how perfect she was for me, in every way. How she'd transformed my dark life. How my world would be utterly void of anything worthwhile once she left it.

I clenched my teeth together, biting back the words that were threatening to burst out of my mouth.

_Bella!_ I longed to shout. _Bella, I love you. Bella, please don't let me go._

_Please don't let me go._

"If… that's what you want."

_NO!_

I knew this would be the only word to issue from my mouth if I allowed myself to speak, so I merely nodded. One nod, and I'd consented to my death. From that moment, I was no longer truly alive. I was a shadow of what I had been in Bella's presence.

Bella had given me life. So many decades after my heart had first stopped beating, it had started to move again. Started to awaken.

Now, with that one nod, it was silenced. Cold and dead and painful. I wondered if the pain would stop once I could no longer see her. How could she believe me? How could she allow this to happen?

_Beg, Bella. Beg. Please, please beg. I could never refuse you if you begged._

I couldn't move. My body was numb. Through the hazy pain of my still heart I realised there was one more thing I had to do before I broke down completely.

"I would like to ask one favour though, if that's not too much to ask."

I had to keep looking at her. This could be the last time I ever saw that face: the face of my salvation.

No. Not _could_ be. Would be.

Her face was twisted, seemingly as broken as mine would be if I'd allow my face to show emotion. How I longed to touch her skin, to smooth her forehead… to kiss her goodbye properly.

As I spoke, she raised her eyes to meet mine. The moisture leaking through them couldn't hide the gorgeous brown depths, and for a moment, I allowed myself to be those tears. I drowned myself in her eyes, I let them pull me in, let them wash away the fires that were burning away at my insides.

She saw, I could tell. I'd slipped up, allowed her to see, for one infinite fraction of a second, just how much pain this was causing me.

I quickly shut my face behind the mask as I awaited her reply.

"Anything." She said weakly.

Anything?

_Come with me Bella. Save me from myself. Please._

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I asked. The selfish part of me hoped she did understand. Hoped she understood that I was asking this of her because she was my world, because I still loved her, because if I allowed her to hurt herself, then I really did deserve the pain I was putting myself through by leaving.

She nodded. This nod gave me some hope; I could see in her eyes that she really did mean it. _God, those eyes_… how would I survive even one day without them?

I wouldn't survive. I knew that. But my pain didn't matter, as long as she was safe. Thinking only of her safety, I shut myself off once more.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course." I lied.

_I'm thinking of myself, Bella. Just selfishly doing what will bring myself some comfort, as always._

"He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him."

_I need you. Take care of yourself- for me._

"I will," she breathed, nodding once more. The truth in her eyes was still there. I knew she would keep this promise. I could die now. I could make her a promise back- one that would certainly kill me to keep. But I would keep it.

_For her._

"And I'll make you a promise in return." I began, speaking as slowly as possible in order to stay just a few moments longer by her side. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

For her. I reminded myself as the pain threatened to overwhelm me with those last few words. I didn't want her to forget about me. I wanted her to remember me, to want me, always.

_Please, Bella. Please. Make me stay. Plead with me again. Break down my barriers and make me tell the truth. Keep me with you. Comfort me. Hold me._

Her knees started to shake, and I longed to do just that- hold her. Steady her. But her heartbeat was quickening from my last words and I made an effort to pull myself together once more. I needed to comfort her with words, not actions. Remind her of how lucky she was- she would be able to forget me quite easily. She could move on. She could live.

"Don't worry," I soothed. "You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" She choked.

"Well," _My memories will drive me insane with need. _"I won't forget. But _my_ kind… we're very easily distracted."

I smiled sardonically at my own words. Yes, we usually were _very_ easily distracted. So much to think about with so much space to think. But even with all this space, would my mind ever think of anything other than her? Not likely. It seemed like this one-track mind was another part of humanity she had unknowingly given me.

I stepped away from her. I couldn't stay much longer. I knew that if I stayed any longer my resolve would break.

And yet, the longer I stayed, the more I _wanted_ my resolve to break.

"That's everything, I suppose." I said, wishing there was more to tell her. Like the fact I loved her. Like the fact that I would do everything I could to protect her from vile creatures like James and Victoria, before settling into a ditch somewhere, to wallow in my memories.

"We won't bother you again." I promised instead.

Something flickered in her eyes- if it were possible, her despair seemed to deepen, and mine deepened with it.

"Alice isn't coming back." She said in a tiny voice. If I hadn't been watching her lips so hungrily, I would never have heard it.

"No." I told her, slowly dragging out the word, sickeningly happy to have found an excuse to stay with her for another precious few seconds, even as my heart was exploding. "They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" She whispered, and the words were another stab at my already mutilated insides. Alice loved Bella too. Bella loved Alice. More suffering caused by me. More heartbreak I was causing for the people I loved.

"She wanted to say goodbye," I told her. She at least deserved to know that one of us cared. "But I convinced her that a clean break would be better for both of you."

I took one last long look at her exquisite face, and had to resist the urge to just travel to Volterra now and ask for death. Her beautiful face crumpled in such agony was too much, and the knowledge that I had caused it was excruciatingly painful. I knew that every second of my existence, this last image would haunt me. Even if I somehow managed to survive without her, the memory of our separation would drive me into insanity. I couldn't delay this any longer. I had to leave. _Now_. I concentrated one last time on her eyes, her warmth, her heartbeat. I burnt these details into my mind so that if I did go insane, I could remember this girl- the only girl in the world, the only girl in existence who would ever mean anything to me. I knew the memory of her would bring me back to sanity.

"Goodbye, Bella."

_Goodbye, my love. I love you, always. Forever. I will never forget you. And when you die, I will try my very best to follow you, no matter how improbable it seems that an abominable creature like me could join an angel like you in heaven._

"Wait!" She choked out, extending one arm.

I saw that gesture as an offering. She was letting me come back, back into the arms of heaven. There was no Saint Peter, no gates, just Bella's warm arms, loving and trusting.

Could I do it? Accept this heaven, when deep down I knew I belonged in the pits of hell?

I took one last stride towards her and pinned her arms down to her sides. Shutting the gates. Closing myself off from the heaven she offered one last time.

I kissed her forehead gently, where her captivating silent mind lay. I prayed that it would forget about me soon enough for her to make the most of her life.

"Take care of yourself." I managed to say, breathing her scent in one last time.

And then I ran. Ran away from heaven and back into hell, where I belonged.

* * *

A/N: Who else just wants to give Edward a big squishy hug? And then chuck Bella at him and watch them have a sappy make-up session?

Reviews would make me happier than Rosalie with a baby and humanity and admirers and a pretty face and Emmett and a full-length mirror. Which, you have to admit, is pretty much the happiest she could possibly be.

**This story and a few of my others - Keeping Demons at Bay, The Angel Illusion and Thy Beauty - have been nominated in the "You're Never Too Young To Write" contest hosted by Cyartia and invisiblevampire. It's such a unique contest idea, and I'd love some votes! Voting beings on 1st May. In the meantime, see their profiles for details on how to nominate other teen writers. K-rated fics deserve love too!**


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